Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work.

My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, "pick up, I know you're there."

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.

My sex life has gone from bad to pathetic. My G spot stands for godforsaken.

I think I've lost 3lbs - I'm very, very happy. I thought of it as work and a spa.

Grandchildren can be annoying - how many times can you go: "And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink"? It's like talking to a supermodel.

I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done.