I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny. And when you're very, very happy, you're not very funny. You're just happy. I'd rather be damaged and funny.

She's so hairy - when she lifted up her arm I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.

I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to 'ripley's believe it or not' - they sent it back and said, "we don't believe it."

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, 'Let me help you with those buttons' and I told him, 'I'm completely naked'.

Comedy is truth. We should not apologize for it.

I think I've lost 3lbs - I'm very, very happy. I thought of it as work and a spa.