I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Edgar had a heart attack, and I'm to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.

When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.

My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.

She's so fat, she's my two best friends.

you have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.

Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.