I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.

You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Gay marriage, I am so against it because if all my gay friends get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.

I love Israel for its blue and white flag as it matches my legs.

If you don't go to Broadway, you're a fool. On Broadway, off Broadway, above Broadway, below Broadway, go! Don't tell me there isn't something wonderful playing. If I'm home in New York at night, I'm either at a Broadway or an Off Broadway show. We're in the theater capital of the world, and if you don't get it, you're an idiot.

God always comes up with a third act twist -- and we won't know until we die whether the play was a comedy or a tragedy.