if you don't think that all life is improvisation, then you haven't been paying attention. Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans.

I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, "Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe."

I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to 'ripley's believe it or not' - they sent it back and said, "we don't believe it."

The people voting for the Oscars are so old. I haven't seen one Academy award voter with a tampon in her purse.

I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.

Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.