if you don't think that all life is improvisation, then you haven't been paying attention. Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans.

I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider.

I think we obviously need health care. Of course we need health care, but I think that it's gone too far the other way, and I don't understand it. It's gotten so complicated. The minute they made a deal with the drug companies, you know something isn't kosher here.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.

My perfect last meal would be: shrimp cocktail, lasagna, steak, creamed spinach, salad with bleu cheese dressing, onion rings, garlic bread, and a dessert of strawberry shortcake.

I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.