A German sense of humor is an oxymoron.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her.

I hate thin people; 'Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?'

Last night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.'

If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.