A German sense of humor is an oxymoron.

my cousin Shirley, who never complains, screamed and screamed when she was having her baby. True, this was just during conception.

I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done. You can tune me out, you can click me off, it's OK. I am not going to bow to political correctness.

I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her.

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, "Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe."

I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.

On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.