I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.

Never buy a fur from a vegetarian.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.

How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.

My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.