The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.

There is nothing funny about aging: It is rotten and depressing. Anyone who tells you otherwise just hasn't been paying attention.

I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done.

I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.

What could be nicer than to have three horrible children behind you in an airplane, and the next set, you go onstage and you talk about how much you despise the children and what you would like to do to them on an airplane? That's the only time I would gladly take a terrorist on. It'd be worth it to get rid of these children.

I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian -- and I stand by it: He's the daughter Cher wishes she'd had.