The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.

Here's a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.

I think I've lost 3lbs - I'm very, very happy. I thought of it as work and a spa.

I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.

My daughter refuses to call me mother in public; my little grandson calls me Spongeslob Squarebottom, and nobody else ever calls me at all.

The only way I can get a man to touch me at this age is plastic surgery.

No more Botox for me. Betty White's bowels move more than my face.