You know it's time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.

you have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.

My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.

Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

I think it's time they knew the truth about Beethoven.