You know it's time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.

I hate reality shows that are not reality.

Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.

If you don't go to Broadway, you're a fool. On Broadway, off Broadway, above Broadway, below Broadway, go! Don't tell me there isn't something wonderful playing. If I'm home in New York at night, I'm either at a Broadway or an Off Broadway show. We're in the theater capital of the world, and if you don't get it, you're an idiot.

We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.

I'm so fat and I'm so depressed; last night I tried to hang myself - but the rope broke.

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.