I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.

The people voting for the Oscars are so old. I haven't seen one Academy award voter with a tampon in her purse.

Emotional troubles are like landfill. Get them outside, and the air disintegrates them.

How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.

I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed is when he's having an asthma attack.

Every television show you go on is a choice.

What could be nicer than to have three horrible children behind you in an airplane, and the next set, you go onstage and you talk about how much you despise the children and what you would like to do to them on an airplane? That's the only time I would gladly take a terrorist on. It'd be worth it to get rid of these children.