[On plastic surgery:] My motto is: 'Anything that can be lifted should be lifted. Anything that falls should be caught. And try to catch any falling stuff before it hits the ground.

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, "Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe."

Having a baby can be a scream.

The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage.

I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.

Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it's happening.

You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.