Every time I get on an airplane I figure it's gonna get blown up. You live on the edge.

I'm so fat and I'm so depressed; last night I tried to hang myself - but the rope broke.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

But you do have to learn, if you want to be a satirist, you can't be part of the party. Meaning, you can't go horseback riding with Jackie O in Central Park if you're going to make a joke about her that night.

Mick Jagger could French-kiss a moose. He has child-bearing lips.

My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.