you have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.

Life is so tough. I don't know how old you are, but I've seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.

Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her.

On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.

I love gay and lesbian parents. But I think we need a law that says lesbians and gay men have to raise their children together. This way, the kids would not only know how to build bookshelves, but they'd also instinctively know how to decorate them.

In every human endeavor, persistence is everything.

Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.