The people voting for the Oscars are so old. I haven't seen one Academy award voter with a tampon in her purse.

I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for “Best Special Effects.”

She's so fat, she's my two best friends.

They almost had to cancel the Oscars tonight because all of the designers and stylists are still in line in San Francisco trying to marry one another.

She's so hairy - when she lifted up her arm I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.

Marriage isn't a contest to see who is most often right. Marriage requires being what the Japanese call 'the wise bamboo,' which means you bend so you don't break. Treat your spouse with the flexibility and respect you would give to a top client. Think how we treat clients; We smile, we are polite, we listen to their ideas. Never forget that your spouse is your most important client.

I saw what's going on under my chin. I don't want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.