"I've learned what's funny verbally ain't so funny on e-mail: They don't hear your intonations. Melissa broke up with somebody over that. She tried to tell him: "That was a joke!" But he just didn't get it. Mick Jagger said, "F- 'em if they don't get the joke." And I love him. That comes with age: Knowing it's their problem, not mine."

Tonight I'll be interviewing Ken Watanabe, Keisha Castle Hughes, Benecio Del Toro and Djimon Honsou - and yes, those are actors, not caterers.

I'm so fat and I'm so depressed; last night I tried to hang myself - but the rope broke.

Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.

You know it's time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.

My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.

Half of all marriages end in divorce- and then there are the really unhappy ones.