"I've learned what's funny verbally ain't so funny on e-mail: They don't hear your intonations. Melissa broke up with somebody over that. She tried to tell him: "That was a joke!" But he just didn't get it. Mick Jagger said, "F- 'em if they don't get the joke." And I love him. That comes with age: Knowing it's their problem, not mine."

Boy George is all England needs. Another queen who can't dress.

Since I met him ten years ago there hasn't been a day that I didn't think of George Burns. And I didn't think of him again today.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.

Learn what not to expect. Irish catholic they get sh**** little rings. Irish women get crappy rings. Baptist get the worst because they get the rings under water. When it comes up, it's garbage. Jewish, big rings. Episcopalian big rings. Italians-the best, because they get them off of dead people, and second wives get the biggest rings of all.

I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.