Don't cook. Don't clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.

Valentine's Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.

People are arguing whether Mel Gibson's "Passion of the Christ" is anti-semitic. Well, whether it is or it isn't, it doesn't matter, because I've been in touch with his accounting firm, Rosencrantz, Levy and Stern, and they're screwing him out of his profits.

I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.

Never floss a stranger.