There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
[When told that her grandchild had her nose:] I didn't get this nose until I was thirty-four.
I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.
A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.
Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.