There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

My boobs are so low I had to put curb feelers on my nipples!

Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you're okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

My personal style is over-the-top dowager. The old days they said get dressed and take one thing off, I say get dressed and put one thing on.

Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it's happening.

"I wouldn't go over here to Lisa Rinna and I would say 'Are those breasts real, are you wearing underwear?'"