There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say 'My wife makes a delicious cake' to some hooker?

I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.

Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.

I said to my husband, 'my boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my legs.' He said, 'Blue goes with everything.'

The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you're acting; listen only to yourself.

I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off.