[When told that her grandchild had her nose:] I didn't get this nose until I was thirty-four.

Every time I get on an airplane I figure it's gonna get blown up. You live on the edge.

My sex life has gone from bad to pathetic. My G spot stands for godforsaken.

Last night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.'

keep moving. It's hard for old age to hit a moving target.

My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.

Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say 'My wife makes a delicious cake' to some hooker?