Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

What could be nicer than to have three horrible children behind you in an airplane, and the next set, you go onstage and you talk about how much you despise the children and what you would like to do to them on an airplane? That's the only time I would gladly take a terrorist on. It'd be worth it to get rid of these children.

The nice thing about Viagra is that they are proving men can go blind on it, so you can gain weight and have a great sex life.

My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.

If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn't scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.