I saw what's going on under my chin. I don't want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
Joan RiversI was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, 'You are here.' I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.
Joan RiversJoan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery; come on... she's had more tucks than a motel bedsheet!
Joan RiversIf you don't go to Broadway, you're a fool. On Broadway, off Broadway, above Broadway, below Broadway, go! Don't tell me there isn't something wonderful playing. If I'm home in New York at night, I'm either at a Broadway or an Off Broadway show. We're in the theater capital of the world, and if you don't get it, you're an idiot.
Joan Rivers