Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it.

I hate McDonald's. I don't want to order my dinner by yelling into a clown's mouth. If I want my face in a clown's mouth, I'll tongue kiss Glenn Beck.

How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.

Dogs are easier to love than people; they're certainly more dependable. Once they love you, that's it. A true friend in life is a dog.

[When told that her grandchild had her nose:] I didn't get this nose until I was thirty-four.

I think I've lost 3lbs - I'm very, very happy. I thought of it as work and a spa.