I've learned: When you get older, who cares? I don't mince words, I don't hold back. What are you gonna do to me? Fire me? It's been done. Threaten to commit suicide? Done. Take away my show? Done! Not invite to me to the Vanity Fair party? I've never been invited! If I ever saw the invitation, I'd use it as toilet paper.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

Whatever you do to recover from a loss, people will be critical because they believe that the only way to recover is their way. And you will even run into some people who should be run into by rhinos because they actually don't want to see you get over your tragedy at all; grief is a spectator sport for them.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

That baby is so ugly... I've never seen a six-month-old so desperately in need of a wax.

I've learned from my dealings with Johnny Carson that no matter what kind of friendship you think you have with people you're working with, when the chips are down, it's all about business.

Life is a movie, and you're the star. Give it a happy ending.