You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.
Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.
I can't wear yellow anymore. It's too matchy-matchy with my catheter.
I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
Having my daughter, I screamed for twenty-three hours straight. And that was just during conception.