Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.

I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed is when he's having an asthma attack.

I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.

I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.

The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.

Comedy - and I say this with humility - comedy needs me.

I have no methods. All I do is accept people as they are.