Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, "Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe."

Florida wants to change the state's motto to attract younger people. They're thinking about: More than just a great place to die.

I use a smoke alarm as a timer.

To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.