When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.

I think we all in comedi business, especially when we reach a certain age, are divas up to a point. I love when a limousine comes for me, I can't lie about that. I love when you go to a restaurant and they say, "Come this way, Miss Rivers," and you get a good table. I love all that, the perks that come with the business.

I was not an attractive child.

Edgar had a heart attack, and I'm to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.

My perfect last meal would be: shrimp cocktail, lasagna, steak, creamed spinach, salad with bleu cheese dressing, onion rings, garlic bread, and a dessert of strawberry shortcake.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

Here's a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.