When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.

Every time I get on an airplane I figure it's gonna get blown up. You live on the edge.

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

I think it's time they knew the truth about Beethoven.

I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life; my gynecologist examines me by telephone.

Grandchildren can be annoying - how many times can you go: "And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink"? It's like talking to a supermodel.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.