All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.

"I've learned what's funny verbally ain't so funny on e-mail: They don't hear your intonations. Melissa broke up with somebody over that. She tried to tell him: "That was a joke!" But he just didn't get it. Mick Jagger said, "F- 'em if they don't get the joke." And I love him. That comes with age: Knowing it's their problem, not mine."

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

I hate reality shows that are not reality.

I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked

And since we're all adults here, let's be brutally honest-most babies are not actually attractive. In fact, they're weird and freakish looking. A large percentage of them are squinty-eyed and bald and their faces are all mushed toegther, kind of like Renee Zellweger pushed up against a glass window.