I'm racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson's back when he was black.

My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, "pick up, I know you're there."

No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny. And when you're very, very happy, you're not very funny. You're just happy. I'd rather be damaged and funny.

The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I've been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark.

Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.

Don't talk to me about gravity. When I get out of bed in the morning, I have to be careful not to step on my breasts.