I'm racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson's back when he was black.

I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.

If you don't go to Broadway, you're a fool. On Broadway, off Broadway, above Broadway, below Broadway, go! Don't tell me there isn't something wonderful playing. If I'm home in New York at night, I'm either at a Broadway or an Off Broadway show. We're in the theater capital of the world, and if you don't get it, you're an idiot.

I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off.

Life is so tough. I don't know how old you are, but I've seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

if you don't think that all life is improvisation, then you haven't been paying attention. Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans.