Don't cook. Don't clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.
Comedy - and I say this with humility - comedy needs me.
I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.
Never floss a stranger.
I saw what's going on under my chin. I don't want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I've been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark.