to maintain success, stamina is more important than talent. You have to learn to be a marathon runner.

A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.

I'm sure some of you are wondering whether my breasts are real. Let me just explain to you. This one is, this one isn't.

My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, "Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia?" Shelia had died at birth.

I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian -- and I stand by it: He's the daughter Cher wishes she'd had.

God always comes up with a third act twist -- and we won't know until we die whether the play was a comedy or a tragedy.

And since we're all adults here, let's be brutally honest-most babies are not actually attractive. In fact, they're weird and freakish looking. A large percentage of them are squinty-eyed and bald and their faces are all mushed toegther, kind of like Renee Zellweger pushed up against a glass window.