Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played "Here Comes the Bride".

The glass is always half empty. All good comedians are manic-depressive.

My daughter refuses to call me mother in public; my little grandson calls me Spongeslob Squarebottom, and nobody else ever calls me at all.

Victoria Beckham is so nasty, why doesn't she just go home?! Her dresses are beautiful, but I don't care what she does. She's mean to all the people around her. She's too short to be a diva. We all use the same hairdressers, make-up artists, limo-drivers and greeters at the airports in LA and nobody has anything nice to say about her. They say she's rude. She can't always just be having a bad day.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.

I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.