I've learned from doing my own show with Fox that people are not your partners if they're signing the checks. Whoever signs your paycheck is the boss - no matter what they tell you.

Comedy is truth. We should not apologize for it.

I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.

Don't cook. Don't clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.

Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it's happening.

She's so fat, she's my two best friends.

Never buy a fur from a vegetarian.