There is nothing funny about aging: It is rotten and depressing. Anyone who tells you otherwise just hasn't been paying attention.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

I said to my husband, 'my boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my legs.' He said, 'Blue goes with everything.'

I could never be in a cult. For starters, they never accessorize properly. David Koresh had no fashion sense, Jim Jones wore leisure suits, and I don't care how charismatic Osama bin Laden was, an AK-47 and an insulin drip do not take the place of drop earrings or a well-placed brooch.

I use a smoke alarm as a timer.

When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.

The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius' bathroom floor.