There is nothing funny about aging: It is rotten and depressing. Anyone who tells you otherwise just hasn't been paying attention.

A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.

Comedy - and I say this with humility - comedy needs me.

If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Dogs are easier to love than people; they're certainly more dependable. Once they love you, that's it. A true friend in life is a dog.

Having a baby can be a scream.