I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
Valentine's Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.
I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider.
Every television show you go on is a choice.
My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, "Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia?" Shelia had died at birth.
My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.