You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
My grandson is mad at me. He's mad at me because I squandered his college fund on Spanx. It's a lot, but there's a lot going on here.
When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
The glass is always half empty. All good comedians are manic-depressive.
Oprah Winfrey is so powerful that she had the Rapture postponed until after her final show airs.