My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

Edgar had a heart attack, and I'm to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.

Last night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.'

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

I hate McDonald's. I don't want to order my dinner by yelling into a clown's mouth. If I want my face in a clown's mouth, I'll tongue kiss Glenn Beck.

A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don't want to go through menopause again.