Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery; come on... she's had more tucks than a motel bedsheet!

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

The glass is always half empty. All good comedians are manic-depressive.

"I've learned what's funny verbally ain't so funny on e-mail: They don't hear your intonations. Melissa broke up with somebody over that. She tried to tell him: "That was a joke!" But he just didn't get it. Mick Jagger said, "F- 'em if they don't get the joke." And I love him. That comes with age: Knowing it's their problem, not mine."

Girls just want to have fun. Well, so do old ladies!

I adore my apartment in New York. It was a ballroom that I remade, so it's like a loft but done by Louis the Fifteenth.

I use a smoke alarm as a timer.