Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery; come on... she's had more tucks than a motel bedsheet!

I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for “Best Special Effects.”

My daughter refuses to call me mother in public; my little grandson calls me Spongeslob Squarebottom, and nobody else ever calls me at all.

Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

Mick Jagger could French-kiss a moose. He has child-bearing lips.

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, "Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe."

I am so out of the loop. I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.