The glass is always half empty. All good comedians are manic-depressive.

I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.

"I wouldn't go over here to Lisa Rinna and I would say 'Are those breasts real, are you wearing underwear?'"

Oprah Winfrey is so powerful that she had the Rapture postponed until after her final show airs.

I was my own buddy in camp.

I'm so fat and I'm so depressed; last night I tried to hang myself - but the rope broke.

Comedy exists to laugh at things that aren't laughable. But isn't it? That's what separates us from the animals. We laugh.