The glass is always half empty. All good comedians are manic-depressive.

I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.

Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

I hate reality shows that are not reality.

I know now that everybody in the arts is forever a beginner. Experience counts for a great deal and very little. Every night onstage I feel I am starting from scratch, still not quite sure what I am doing and where I am going, thrown by the simplest thing that goes wrong.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.