Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it's happening.

Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.

You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

I think it's time they knew the truth about Beethoven.

Don't cook. Don't clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.

My boobs are so low I had to put curb feelers on my nipples!