Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.

I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.

I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider.

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, "Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe."

I started my career in a town so small the local clinic was called Fred's Hospital and Grill.

My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.