Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.

Remember a few years ago when they left Bea Arthur out of the death reel at the Oscars? Bea Arthur! How did they leave Bea Arthur out? She was in Mame; she was in All in the Family; she was in Maude; she was a Golden Girl, for God's sake! Bea was not only one of Hollywood's leading ladies, she was one of Hollywood's leading men!

Valentine's Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.

Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise we're going down the tube.

There is nothing funny about aging: It is rotten and depressing. Anyone who tells you otherwise just hasn't been paying attention.

God always comes up with a third act twist -- and we won't know until we die whether the play was a comedy or a tragedy.

Edgar had a heart attack, and I'm to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.