Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.

My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.

I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done. You can tune me out, you can click me off, it's OK. I am not going to bow to political correctness.

Don't talk to me about gravity. When I get out of bed in the morning, I have to be careful not to step on my breasts.

Want to know why women don't blink during foreplay? Not enough time.

I'm so fat and I'm so depressed; last night I tried to hang myself - but the rope broke.

Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children's books. First up: 'Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.'