Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.

Comedy is a very rough beat. It's no holds barred, as it should be.

Here's a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.

The nice thing about Viagra is that they are proving men can go blind on it, so you can gain weight and have a great sex life.

Life is a movie, and you're the star. Give it a happy ending.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

All my friends are dying. That's why I always wear black.