What could be nicer than to have three horrible children behind you in an airplane, and the next set, you go onstage and you talk about how much you despise the children and what you would like to do to them on an airplane? That's the only time I would gladly take a terrorist on. It'd be worth it to get rid of these children.

Somehow, some way, every person in the arts has to find an accommodation with disappointment and embarrassment. They are the pollen in the air we breathe. If you must go into the arts, go into them for yourself alone. On some basic level you must enjoy the act of doing it ... Otherwise, you are going to end up frustrated and unhappy. Recognition in the arts is luck and gravy.

The only way I can get a man to touch me at this age is plastic surgery.

Gay marriage, I am so against it because if all my gay friends get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I love Israel for its blue and white flag as it matches my legs.

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.