I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: "Last Girl Before Freeway."

Don't talk to me about gravity. When I get out of bed in the morning, I have to be careful not to step on my breasts.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I can't wear yellow anymore. It's too matchy-matchy with my catheter.

Oprah Winfrey is so powerful that she had the Rapture postponed until after her final show airs.

You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.

Comedy is truth. We should not apologize for it.