I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: "Last Girl Before Freeway."

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.

Last night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.'

My daughter refuses to call me mother in public; my little grandson calls me Spongeslob Squarebottom, and nobody else ever calls me at all.

You know it's time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.

Run scared ... and they never catch you.

The only way I can get a man to touch me at this age is plastic surgery.