I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: "Last Girl Before Freeway."

I'm going out with these old guys. One guy gave me a hickey and left his teeth in my neck. Another man, we were having a perfectly lovely dinner; he looked up and me and went: You're not my wife! Another guy died during dinner. I had to go in his pocket to get the American Express card. Then you wonder: What would he tip? Another guy said: I want you to meet my family, and took me to the cemetery.

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.

I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.

Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played "Here Comes the Bride".

Edgar had a heart attack, and I'm to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.

Having a baby can be a scream.