I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.

my cousin Shirley, who never complains, screamed and screamed when she was having her baby. True, this was just during conception.

At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!

I'm racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson's back when he was black.

Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.

A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.

I now consider it a good day when I don't step on my boobs.