The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I've been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark.

I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done.

At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.

Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work.

I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me "sir."

I was just reading about the new Lindsay Lohan diet, which is all liquid. 80 proof.

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up - and gay men should stand up at least halfway.