The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I've been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark.

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.

The nice thing about Viagra is that they are proving men can go blind on it, so you can gain weight and have a great sex life.

No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

Since I met him ten years ago there hasn't been a day that I didn't think of George Burns. And I didn't think of him again today.

I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done.