We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.

To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.

I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done. You can tune me out, you can click me off, it's OK. I am not going to bow to political correctness.

There's always an adjective before my name, and it's never a nice one.

Mick Jagger could French-kiss a moose. He has child-bearing lips.

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

And since we're all adults here, let's be brutally honest-most babies are not actually attractive. In fact, they're weird and freakish looking. A large percentage of them are squinty-eyed and bald and their faces are all mushed toegther, kind of like Renee Zellweger pushed up against a glass window.