If you don't go to Broadway, you're a fool. On Broadway, off Broadway, above Broadway, below Broadway, go! Don't tell me there isn't something wonderful playing. If I'm home in New York at night, I'm either at a Broadway or an Off Broadway show. We're in the theater capital of the world, and if you don't get it, you're an idiot.

The glass is always half empty. All good comedians are manic-depressive.

I love gay and lesbian parents. But I think we need a law that says lesbians and gay men have to raise their children together. This way, the kids would not only know how to build bookshelves, but they'd also instinctively know how to decorate them.

She's so hairy - when she lifted up her arm I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.

Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.

Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played "Here Comes the Bride".

What I love about jewelry is you can change it for something else without surgery.