I want to be buried in a Valentino gown and I want Harry Winston to make me a toe tag.

I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, 'You are here.' I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.

Mick Jagger could French-kiss a moose. He has child-bearing lips.

I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up - and gay men should stand up at least halfway.