If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
I'm so fat and I'm so depressed; last night I tried to hang myself - but the rope broke.
I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.
[When told that her grandchild had her nose:] I didn't get this nose until I was thirty-four.
I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.
The glass is always half empty. All good comedians are manic-depressive.