Life is very tough, you know. You sit at a dinner party and talk to the person on your right or your left, you're going to hear something terribly sad, or horrible, or awful. And you just laugh at everything. I think it was Winston Churchill who said something like, any time you get someone to laugh, you're giving them a little vacation. It's so true. You laugh for one second, you're happy. I find in negotiations, everybody's sitting around looking so serious, I say something funny and it breaks the ice. And it's like, now we can get through this.

Oprah Winfrey is so powerful that she had the Rapture postponed until after her final show airs.

I saw what's going on under my chin. I don't want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.

My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, "Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia?" Shelia had died at birth.

I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.

Life is so tough. I don't know how old you are, but I've seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, "Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe."