The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you're acting; listen only to yourself.

Self-pity shortens your life.

I was not an attractive child.

I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.

Don't talk to me about gravity. When I get out of bed in the morning, I have to be careful not to step on my breasts.

Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise we're going down the tube.

I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed is when he's having an asthma attack.