Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise we're going down the tube.

I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.

If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.