Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise we're going down the tube.

I am not lucky. I am the type who would go to Lourdes and drown in the waters.

Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.

Any form of complacency is the kiss of death for any professional.

If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.

People are arguing whether Mel Gibson's "Passion of the Christ" is anti-semitic. Well, whether it is or it isn't, it doesn't matter, because I've been in touch with his accounting firm, Rosencrantz, Levy and Stern, and they're screwing him out of his profits.

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it...Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.