I was not an attractive child.

Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise we're going down the tube.

The glass is always half empty. All good comedians are manic-depressive.

I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.

My perfect last meal would be: shrimp cocktail, lasagna, steak, creamed spinach, salad with bleu cheese dressing, onion rings, garlic bread, and a dessert of strawberry shortcake.

On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.

A German sense of humor is an oxymoron.