Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
Joan RiversA female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year - and has yet to receive a Mother's Day card from one of them.
Joan RiversThe first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you're acting; listen only to yourself.
Joan RiversYou're college graduates now, so use your education. Remember: It's not who you know, it's whom.
Joan RiversI'm at the top, top, top of my game now. I'm so happy to be on that stage, I'm in control of it, and I love every minute of it. I walk onstage in rehearsal and I start to smile. And so I just don't care what anyone else is doing. Do what you want, say what you want. Nobody else can do what I do onstage. Nobody.
Joan Rivers